After I said yes, I think is when they left. Nail in the coffin, I guess.
I don't... It blurs together. Before that, it was — natural disasters... and sicknesses in towns... I don't know. I started keeping the television off. I think the angels were still there, though. Waiting.
I don't know. I think... two and a half, three years of saying no...? And then after the...
[He's quiet for a moment, and then, a little more strained:]
... Wouldn't go giving me any honorary medals for it.
I kind of just... looked at those years as, um. As purgatory, I guess. Just... existing. Every once in a while, I'd get updates. [He pauses, kneading his hands together until the bones ache.] Mostly from Lucifer. He liked to keep track of... people we knew.
I'm not going to tell you not to feel guilty, or that you shouldn't. I know us. I know what we can internalize. But, I also know what we're capable of. You're here now. And you got back your body. He's in there, but he's weak. He said as much in my dream. We can focus on the good and go from there. Maybe -- you can find someone you can talk to.
... No. He never hurt anyone we knew, before I said yes.
He had plenty of other people to do it for him.
[He's assuming, anyway. Lucifer may have never lifted a finger to harm the people who have been in Sam's life... but he's not so blind that he doesn't see how Lucifer's "honesty" and "promises" work.
After a moment, he breathes the ghost of a soft, exasperated laugh.]
Is this what it's like, to be on the receiving end of a Sam Winchester peptalk?
Not as good as the president from Independence Day, but better than the coach from Remember the Titans.
Maybe. Maybe I could find someone to talk to about it. But — anyone who talks to me is a bigger target, if Lucifer gets out... and I don't know if I can stomach someone getting hurt just because they know me.
( Maybe it's promising too much. Being able to be there, even making an impact. He doesn't want a therapist (even a makeshift one) to be pulled into their crap.
Sam's felt that guilt before, even from people choosing to be in their vicinity and network. )
I don't know, we'll figure out something. If, anything, you could keep talking to me, at least at first. I do have a unique perspective.
[Sam's quiet for a moment, though. Absorbing what the man in the mirror has said. He clears his throat, and struggles to find that same optimism he used to have once — that feeling that everything will be figured out.]
You do. A hell of a unique perspective.
[Breathing a shaky breath, he says-]
Getting hard to keep him completely under... Kinda tired.
I should probably go, before he's aware enough to hear us.
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no subject
Date: 2020-11-17 11:48 pm (UTC)[He rubs his forehead, anxious.]
After I said yes, I think is when they left. Nail in the coffin, I guess.
I don't... It blurs together. Before that, it was — natural disasters... and sicknesses in towns... I don't know. I started keeping the television off. I think the angels were still there, though. Waiting.
I don't know. I think... two and a half, three years of saying no...? And then after the...
[He's quiet for a moment, and then, a little more strained:]
The years after are a blur.
Couldn't track time very well.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-17 11:53 pm (UTC)( That counts for something. Dean lasted a forty? A hundred? He lasted some before he got down off the rack. He knows. He knows how hard it is. )
I said yes faster than that. Two, three years.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-18 12:07 am (UTC)I kind of just... looked at those years as, um. As purgatory, I guess. Just... existing. Every once in a while, I'd get updates. [He pauses, kneading his hands together until the bones ache.] Mostly from Lucifer. He liked to keep track of... people we knew.
To be 'helpful'.
Always a fan of being 'helpful'.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-18 12:11 am (UTC)( Or worse. )
I'm not going to tell you not to feel guilty, or that you shouldn't. I know us. I know what we can internalize. But, I also know what we're capable of. You're here now. And you got back your body. He's in there, but he's weak. He said as much in my dream. We can focus on the good and go from there. Maybe -- you can find someone you can talk to.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-18 01:09 am (UTC)He had plenty of other people to do it for him.
[He's assuming, anyway. Lucifer may have never lifted a finger to harm the people who have been in Sam's life... but he's not so blind that he doesn't see how Lucifer's "honesty" and "promises" work.
After a moment, he breathes the ghost of a soft, exasperated laugh.]
Is this what it's like, to be on the receiving end of a Sam Winchester peptalk?
no subject
Date: 2020-11-18 06:23 am (UTC)( He's there with you, reliving that year. Not those three years, but that year was bad enough. )
I don't know, you tell me. How'd I do?
no subject
Date: 2020-11-18 11:55 am (UTC)Not as good as the president from Independence Day, but better than the coach from Remember the Titans.
Maybe. Maybe I could find someone to talk to about it. But — anyone who talks to me is a bigger target, if Lucifer gets out... and I don't know if I can stomach someone getting hurt just because they know me.
It happened enough to us back home.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-18 04:13 pm (UTC)( Maybe it's promising too much. Being able to be there, even making an impact. He doesn't want a therapist (even a makeshift one) to be pulled into their crap.
Sam's felt that guilt before, even from people choosing to be in their vicinity and network. )
I don't know, we'll figure out something. If, anything, you could keep talking to me, at least at first. I do have a unique perspective.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-19 04:49 am (UTC)[Sam's quiet for a moment, though. Absorbing what the man in the mirror has said. He clears his throat, and struggles to find that same optimism he used to have once — that feeling that everything will be figured out.]
You do. A hell of a unique perspective.
[Breathing a shaky breath, he says-]
Getting hard to keep him completely under... Kinda tired.
I should probably go, before he's aware enough to hear us.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-21 04:57 pm (UTC)( He doesn't say goodbye, doesn't say 'Be careful,' just ends the conversation and clicks the end call button.
Did he volunteer to be his own therapist? )